Right off the bat, I want to clearly state that being 'real' doesn't account to one being rude, and 'faking it' doesn't entirely equal to a villainous fabrication of reality. Being social animals that we are, the goal is to perhaps hit that sweet spot right in the middle of the two. Let me explain.
I have a gorgeous, sweet friend named Alisha who's been a pal of mine since we were 18. Sorry Alisha for sharing this story without your say in it, but I hope you will like the conclusion I have derived from this.
So, we're in our 30's now, and when she visited Kathmandu last year we got to hang out again and indulge in our silly little banters like old times. We caught up on a few important things going on in our lives, but I was not prepared to get caught off guard when she shared of a conversation we once had when we were still in our teens. Apparently, she had shared with me her dream of one day becoming an English TV News Reader to which she said I replied straight to her face (verbatim) --" It's not for you." Way to crush a young girl's dreams, eh! She also added that I'd said that her pronunciations were off and that she was better off seeking other career options. I mean, ugh! Why, Samriddhi, why?
Sure, Alisha shared this--scarring moment for her then, and a scarring moment for me now-- with a bit of a giggle. She shared it as an anecdote of the past, in humor, to show how silly our dreams were back then--especially, now that she's come so far in life to become a successful Health Practitioner currently based in France.
I profusely apologized to her when she shared this little story, but she brushed it off saying that it happened a long time ago, and maybe I was probably right in saying that. But where is the "right" in being rude?
I loved Alisha and I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. In fact I loved her energy (still do) and have always been in absolute awe of her talents. She's the only person I have ever seen, who truly aces the Shakira hip movement with such ease and grace -- God knows, Alisha's 'hips don't lie.' So, why is it that I said what I said? I took the liberty then, to briefly acquire the mindset of that teenage me to really see where I was coming from.
By 18 when I first befriended Alisha, I had completed my +2 in Journalism Studies from St. Mary's, it had been 1 year for me already working for an English National Daily-- basically I had my feet dipped in some English Journalism and knew that maybe Alisha would've been a misfit there. And my "practical" self probably saw her doing better in arts and entertainment--she was naturally gifted for it. But my judgmental head, further inflated with schooling from a "prestigious" school and a writing career that started as early as 17--led me to breaking not just Alisha's heart but maybe also her confidence. So, No. So "keeping it real" but rude is just being wrong and it's not okay!
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While the gap between being real and being kind is closing up for me, with each passing year--my gap between being the real me and fake anything (or anyone for that matter) has exponentially widened. May I reiterate, that being fake doesn't hold a negative connotation in this context.
Because, hell, we all fake it all the time. We fake it when we smile and greet our nosy neighbours. We fake it when we say a sprightly "goodmorning" to our boss who is severely under-qualified to lead us. We fake it when attending public events, on our first dates, on our job interviews--in fact, the moment we get out of our house and go into the world--there's a whole lot of faking. But is it really bad? Not really. It's only a mechanism developed by us humans, to live as social animals in this very social world. Faking it, many a times, is the acceptable, decent thing to do.
However, with time, I have learnt to completely (or at least trying to) distance myself from some fakes in my life. These I refuse to fake any longer.
Fake friends -- There is so much fakery around already, fake friends is the last thing I can probably tolerate--especially at this age. I could probably respect a good enemy than a friend who is not real.
Fake conversations -- My tolerance for baseless, self-indulgent and argumentative conversations have also hit its nil value. While in my 20's I would've withstood talking up to narcissists who can do nothing wrong, or a self-victimizing grump who could do nothing right. Or the angry hater on the Internet who opens you up to a whole new words of profanity you never knew existed--I have made my peace with them. The only reaction they can ever get out of me, is my non-reaction.
Fake social media life -- Sure we show the best bit of our lives in our social media--we all do. Social media is in some way a gallery of celebratory moments in our lives. But to live a completely different life than what we show on social media is a 'no can do' for me. You know how some people show they're the best of friends on social media but wouldn't blink an eye to gossip about them when they're not around ? Yes, that kind of stuff. No longer welcome in my life.
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The Conclusion
This conversation in my head and this topic for my blog post today has all come about as a by-product of me reading a rather boring, albeit a useful book called 'Breaking the habit of being yourself' by Dr Joe Dispenza. Of the longish, repetitive chapters that he's written--one thing he said that truly struck a cord with me was this.
Based on the experiments conducted, they found that closer the gap between
(i) the real you (the you when you are alone, the you when no one's interacting with you) and
(ii) the manufactured you that you put on for display for the world...
--the happier and more at peace you will be.
And wider the gap between the real you and the made up you--higher the chances of you suffering from mental health problems like anxiety, depression, ADHD etc.
For the longest time I thought the purpose of my life was to find my mission in life-- like them cliched ones like making music or writing songs-- when really the purpose of my life should've been to learn and unlearn to be my authentic self, all along.
Today, I naturally drift apart from people who are not my cup of tea. And I don't do so out of judgement but out of respect for my own journey in self-discovery, and frankly out of respect for theirs too. I would rather celebrate the few special people in my life and truly savour my favourite moments like running with my puppies at dawn. The quiet afternoons at home with a book. Spending quality time with my family. Meeting new, interesting people. Discovering cozy new coffee shops. Picking up on forgotten hobbies--and the list goes on.
Being authentic for me has been to pull all the energy that was previously outwardly focussed --back to myself. I have pulled back the need for validation from people back to me--my locus for happiness, fulfillment, success no longer measures to anything or anyone outside of me.
And therefore, these have truly been some of the sweetest most blessed times I am getting to live. And I suggest you try it too. Decide to be your most authentic self and see all your mental and social knots untying with ease. It's truly been a life-changing decision for me, and I trust, it will be for you too.
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So, now, the well trodden quest of--would you be real or fake it till you make it in this world?
I'd say when it comes to others--fake it where it's socially needed and accepted, but with yourself. Oh with yourself-- you be ruthlessly real! Authenticity is 100% your ticket to lasting happiness. Trust me on this.
Well, that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed reading up my not-so- tiny blog piece that's come out straight from my heart. Hope to catch you next week. Or even earlier if something nudges me again. See you soon.
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