Navigating media and social media as a Nepali woman

Back in 2016, I happen to share a personal opinion of mine on national tv that haunts me till this day. The witch-hunt of it continuing on my social media even today for something that happened 8 years ago! I will not go to the details of what it was, its out there on YouTube and you’re welcome to watch it. The topic was about inter-caste relationships and marriage. Sure, I could’ve worded better. Sure, I hurt the sentiments of my indigenous community for which I was deeply apologetic. But I am not so sure if I deserved to be on the receiving end of such slut-shaming and much soul-crushing vilification. 

And that’s the thing about being a Nepali woman on the Internet — you have to tiptoe around blatant patriarchy. Your mistakes are not a mistakes of a human being, but of a woman—and that’s the worst kind. 

Recently, another TV controversy sparked the Nepali social media sphere. And soon we saw people taking sides. The public enjoyed declaring their heroes and their villains in this chapter of the modern day Internet story. With four accomplished women head-butting for sanctity, it’s the womanhood that profusely suffered. 

As the drama unfolded, we saw a ghastly picture of our society at large—who were very comfortable in hurling words like your regular  bhaas ** and the raas**  with such ease, no hesitation whatsoever. Like it was just another day. Like these women are nothing like the women living and breathing around them, in their families, in their homes and offices. Like these women — in entertainment, on TV and and on social media who are so far from their reach—totally deserved it. No biggie! 

It makes me wonder, what do these men who write such devastating (for a woman) comments on a woman’s page, go about doing right after? Do they put their phone down and go about enjoying their regular daal bhaat— like nothing happened? Like they just didn’t put a dagger through a young girl’s heart — who just happens to be a woman now? Because believe you me, these comments really break the child in you. Your child-like sweet spirit martyred in the harshness of the “real world” and you’re forced to grow up and act like a woman—a wise old one at that. 

While women are supposed to make no mistakes, men on the other hand get away with doing much the same—many a times, even worse—with no accountability. Hell! They’re even celebrated for doing some things that would’ve been an outrageous, atrocious, and simply an unacceptable thing, if done by a woman. 

For instance, there is an infamous incident where a popular male rapper paraded a suicide-like act on stage, attempting to do so tying the cord of his mic around his neck. The event organizers intervened, but the video clip quickly made rounds on the internet. People laughed, made jokes of the incident, some were sorry for him and some got angry — but I saw no signs of extreme hatred or vilifying comments made against him, his character, his honor or his family. Nada! 

Alas! The same was to be done by a female artist—and the whole country would’ve come down on her to gnaw her apart the very next day. 

It may seem like I am only talking about famous females taking the hit on the internet. But I see even everyday female users on social media being unabashedly—bashed. For the many conversations and discussions that happen on social media, only men seem to be qualified to ever be right or wrong. Women on the other hand, can either be right or be a slut. Yes, it is that sudden and that divisive. 

I do want to clarify, however, that am very much a believer of the fact that there are more good men out there than there are bad. But it is the bad ones who are also the loudest. So when I am speaking of ‘men’ in this context, it is this kind that I am talking about. 

Going back to the TV controversy as an example. As a society, we could’ve come together to discuss what actually went wrong with the incident. Was the format of the show questionable? Were the comments made in the show insensitive? Was the person who was hurt by the content of the episode right in expressing her sorrow the way she did? There could’ve been so many discussions drawn here to help the program makers better their show. It could bring to light the need for interviewers and interviewees to be more empathetic and perhaps to be grounded in reality of what Nepali society stands for. 

But no. The slut-shaming launched and soon it snowballed out of control. And in the haze of it all, the accountability of the mistakes, or a chance to make any kind of improvements evaporated with it. Because when everybody becomes a victim (of online bullying in this case)—drawing conclusions of what’s right and what’s wrong seems bleak. And that’s a missed opportunity, don’t you think?

Do you also realise that this perhaps happened because a woman was at the helm of it? For years, Nepali men have been curating cringe-worthy interview shows, throwing audacious and vulgar questions at women in the name of journalism. Sure, issues have been raised against these type of shows, but we never saw an outrage. Seems to me that an ‘outrage’ is only ever reserved for a woman/women. 

Unfortunately, these lowly shows are also seemingly the highest-rated. Adding horror to it, is our accomplished women joining their parade for ratings and to promote their agendas. Even the aforementioned controversial show brought one of these media guys as their guest; this guy who is known for his sheer insensitivity and a complete disregard especially when it comes to interviewing women. So, who do we fight for or fight against ? When really it’s come down to blind leading the blind at this point. 

So, in conclusion, how does one really navigate the world of media and social media as a Nepali woman then? Here are just a few pointers I follow that you might like.  

1. Be a girl’s girl. Stand up for your sisters where and when they need you. Support and celebrate authentic women. 
2. But don’t be a blind cheerleader, because not all men are wrong and not all women are right. Use your faculty of judgement correctly.
3. There is an old wise line that says, “don’t throw your pearls at pigs,” meaning, don’t waste your pearls of wisdom on people who are simply not wise. You being intelligent makes them angry, and them being idiots is not your fault. 
4. Don’t watch or participate in shows run by male chauvinists. Or any shows/ interviews for that matter, that see belittling women in anyway as fodder for entertainment. 
5. There is constructive criticism and there is remark/s made with the sole intent to break you. Don’t react. This is where you use the handy block and delete feature. No one outside of your friends and family is worthy of your emotional reactions. 

Actually, forget about these pointers, and make your own rules, really! You want to be silent? Be silent. You want to be loud? Be loud. Just do you, as you see fit. Since, we’ve already established that both the media and social media is a male-dominated sphere, you presenting yourself as your most authentic self may not be what the society wants. But that could be exactly what the society needs. 

And when all is done, but the fragile male ego continue attack your peace—do this. Report to the crime bureau. They are proactive and effective than you think. This—I speak from experience. Or if you’re the confrontational type, there is this one saying by Mike Tyson that you might like. He once said, “Social media made y'all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.” 

When push comes to shove, punching on the face feels like the only solution. But you didn’t hear it from me. You heard it from the legendary boxer himself.

Well, thats it for me today. Until I see you again, be safe. It’s a wild world out there. More so for fierce women like yourself.